Hi! I'm Gary Bettman, and as you probably know, I suck balls!

Greetings from Toronto!!! My name is Gary Bettman, if you are one of the 2,847 people that have tuned into the NHL over the last three years on Versus, then you know who I am. If not, let me introduce myself.

My name is Gary Bettman and I am in charge of a professional sports league called the National Hockey League (or, the NHL if you are an old-time elitist fan).

The league has been around since 1917 and I've been the league's Commissioner since 1993. In that short time span, I have single-handedly brought the league's reputation and popularity down to depths not seen since 1938. Because I hate Canadians, northern United States hockey fans and their elitism to the game, I have dramatically expanded the league into cities that could care less about the sport.

And to be honest, I've f*cked up the game so badly that to try and go through all the ways I've messed it up in one or two paragraphs is, quite frankly, and insult to the word "ineptitude".
Anyway, we are in the middle of the Stanley Cup Finals right now between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Detroit Red Wings. A battle that I think should be epic. The beauty of the series is that I'm showing the public how much I care about the game. How am I doing this? By having the games shown on NBC for free. That's right, FREE!! The league is getting no revenue in showing these games to you. Why? Well, as I explained before, ineptitude is my middle name.
I promise to keep you updated on where I plan to take the league in the coming seasons. Stay tuned and come back soon!

Yours,

Gary Bettman
Commissioner, NHL